The Day Has come to the end!
The day has come to the end..... Well for my kids at least, I'm so tired everyday and night from absolutely doing nothing! Still i find myself wide awake when i should be turning in to bed. I think what happens is my anxiety takes control of my mind at night when all else is calm, and my mind starts to have racing thoughts about the next day! I always wonder to myself does anyone else feel the same as i do??? Even if i did sleep all night and all day, i still wake up exhausted! Makes no since right?
My day consisted of waking up the normal 6:45am, got kids on bus for school.
than laid back down to sleep yet another 3 hours.
I told myself i wasn't going stay in my bedroom all day, as i normally do. I was supposed get out today, maybe take my youngest to the park or go for a walk.
But saying and doing are not the same things i might add!!!
I have all these wonderful ideals and things i want to do but never seem to get them done. The shitty part about that is my kids are ones who have to suffer because myself their mother cant seem to push myself enough to make it happen. Crap sometimes i even have anxiety about watching my kids play outside....... People say I'm overprotected of them when in reality, its the fact that everything makes me a nervous wreck! I literally have anxiety about pretty much anything. I absolutely hate going to the store or public places, OK let me rephrase that, My anxiety hates it. I personally would love to be able to go shopping or to mall or school functions and not be afraid or nervous about; "Are people going try talk to me, am i going to have a panic attack because of the size of the crowd"? I'm not the only one in my family who suffers from at least one or two types of mental illnesses. But because of are issues with all are different types of mental illnesses, i think we all find it harder to talk about with each other cause we all fear the worst! Or that's me at least. We all feel empty and alone at times, in reality were not we just find it easier to bottle it up and try to ignore it, or even talk outside the box to people were not so close to.
When i was younger, middle school age i would keep journals in my locker at school, i would write in them everyday during study hall when i should have been doing homework. I found writing and drawing therapeutic for myself. I could say whatever i felt,and wanted to say to people without having to actually talk face to face with them. If you've never keep a journal you should try it. Might find yourself relieved on how much you really have on your mind! {aka} reason I'm trying this blog thing out. Maybe people can relate to how my life is or my feelings or my challenges. I know people read this, but i don't have anxiety about it. Its almost as I'm writing in my journal to myself, but public so maybe it'll help someone at the same time!!! Its so peaceful when the kids are asleep. I love them to death but they drive me crazy to my core at the same time! I honestly don't know how I've done it all these years. I just wish i had some help at times, or they had more connection with out of town relatives. My sister and i have always been close threw childhood til couple years ago when it was time for her to start her own beautiful family. I honestly don't know what i would have done without her threw out the years i was having children. we have an 8 year age difference but still like best friends. she was there for most the childbirths.she also lived with me on and off and helped with whatever she could, in away she was like having an extra child but mature. She helped me raise my kiddos, by her helping me raise mine in a since it taught her how to be a mother. I'm so grateful for her. I'm also so proud of her, she now is married {to a wonderful father and husband} has a baby girl of her own and another on its way by surprise! I hope by her helping me it gave her more than enough experience on what to expect as a parent! Shes a great mommy and i love her! So if your reading this kk, know I'm proud of the woman you became and I'm glad i got to be part of your childhood and present life. Well i think that's pretty much for the night! Til next time.................
My day consisted of waking up the normal 6:45am, got kids on bus for school.
than laid back down to sleep yet another 3 hours.
I told myself i wasn't going stay in my bedroom all day, as i normally do. I was supposed get out today, maybe take my youngest to the park or go for a walk.
I have all these wonderful ideals and things i want to do but never seem to get them done. The shitty part about that is my kids are ones who have to suffer because myself their mother cant seem to push myself enough to make it happen. Crap sometimes i even have anxiety about watching my kids play outside....... People say I'm overprotected of them when in reality, its the fact that everything makes me a nervous wreck! I literally have anxiety about pretty much anything. I absolutely hate going to the store or public places, OK let me rephrase that, My anxiety hates it. I personally would love to be able to go shopping or to mall or school functions and not be afraid or nervous about; "Are people going try talk to me, am i going to have a panic attack because of the size of the crowd"? I'm not the only one in my family who suffers from at least one or two types of mental illnesses. But because of are issues with all are different types of mental illnesses, i think we all find it harder to talk about with each other cause we all fear the worst! Or that's me at least. We all feel empty and alone at times, in reality were not we just find it easier to bottle it up and try to ignore it, or even talk outside the box to people were not so close to.
When i was younger, middle school age i would keep journals in my locker at school, i would write in them everyday during study hall when i should have been doing homework. I found writing and drawing therapeutic for myself. I could say whatever i felt,and wanted to say to people without having to actually talk face to face with them. If you've never keep a journal you should try it. Might find yourself relieved on how much you really have on your mind! {aka} reason I'm trying this blog thing out. Maybe people can relate to how my life is or my feelings or my challenges. I know people read this, but i don't have anxiety about it. Its almost as I'm writing in my journal to myself, but public so maybe it'll help someone at the same time!!! Its so peaceful when the kids are asleep. I love them to death but they drive me crazy to my core at the same time! I honestly don't know how I've done it all these years. I just wish i had some help at times, or they had more connection with out of town relatives. My sister and i have always been close threw childhood til couple years ago when it was time for her to start her own beautiful family. I honestly don't know what i would have done without her threw out the years i was having children. we have an 8 year age difference but still like best friends. she was there for most the childbirths.she also lived with me on and off and helped with whatever she could, in away she was like having an extra child but mature. She helped me raise my kiddos, by her helping me raise mine in a since it taught her how to be a mother. I'm so grateful for her. I'm also so proud of her, she now is married {to a wonderful father and husband} has a baby girl of her own and another on its way by surprise! I hope by her helping me it gave her more than enough experience on what to expect as a parent! Shes a great mommy and i love her! So if your reading this kk, know I'm proud of the woman you became and I'm glad i got to be part of your childhood and present life. Well i think that's pretty much for the night! Til next time.................
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