Feeling Alone

My Internet is finally back up and running, after along few days fighting with the company!!! My home account has only been active for 6 freaking days and i was only able to use it for one full day.....
Frustration to the core. My mind has been spinning for last couple days, i have my up and downs with depression. I laugh every time i hear a person tell the depressed person to just be happy theres alot that have it worst. depression is not a thing that can be turned off and on, its uncontrollable... I have found it extremely hard to find a single person to actually understand what i actually feel on a daily basis. When your depressed you tend to feel alone, lol yea, so what is it called when you are actually distant and alone not by choice from family???? Its not hard to pick up a phone just to say hi, or how ya been! And theres always text. Yes i have the company of my 5 children full time, but sometime you just need an adult to talk to, or a friend, or family member. For some reason i lack all that. I watch all these families on face book, how they help each other. support each other, attend school functions. Theres just one of myself not 5, sometimes i need a break or help. very rare cases i get a break but when i do its usually a paid sitter which is not very affordable these days. My kids sometimes ask can we go see so and so "any family member". They complain all time how its not fair there friends stay weekends and visit there family members. By no means do i keep my kids from anyone in my family! But i look like the bad guy telling them no, caused I've reached out several times and always get a NO, from everyone. I might look happy from the outside but I'm dieing on the inside. I feel trapped in my own house. Have the time i cant make myself get out my bed let alone go somewhere. But on occasions i get motivated and want go out and do something, but back to i dread it because i have no help with kids. Does anyone know what its like to go to a public place with 5 children alone? defiantly a store! That's like triple the anxiety that i already have...... I'm tired of being tired! ugh words have know meaning for what i feel like. Needless to say if you have a family member that you haven't spoke to in some time, that could be struggling, give them a call you'd be surprised just how much that little text or call can do for that person.
til next time